Practical Lessons
by smalltowngal
Summary: In which Kanda may or may not steal Allen's virginity, Lenalee watches the whole scene play out with delight, and Allen is very confused. Oh, and Lavi's a pimp. But that's only a part-time job. Sequel to Sexual Education.
1. The Rabbit Brained Scheme

**You asked for it, you got it .**

**The sequel to Sexual Education.**

_-Cafeteria-_

"He asked you to meet you in the bathroom after school? To teach you about _sexual education?!_" Lenalee shrieked, dropping her chopsticks with a clatter.

"Oh, say that a little louder. I think there were some munchkins in Oz that didn't hear you," Allen said, his face buried in his hands.

Lenalee stopped looking incredulous long enough to shoot Allen a "what the hell are you on?" look.

Allen unburied his face long enough to give Lenalee a "seriously, where do they keep you locked up?" glance.

Ah, the joys of unspoken words.

"And he asked you right outside my brother's office?" Lenalee exclaimed her outraged expression back on. "He is _the _worst principal ever. Of course, compared to the lastone, he may as well be awarded the Educator Of The Year award or whatever shit he was going on about."

"Was the last one the weird Hitler-wannabe who tried to…er…_flash _you in the showers?" Allen asked cautiously.

Lenalee shut her eyes. And nodded.

"Oh." That explained, like a lot. For one thing, how Komui got the job of Principal in the first place. Anything to protect his sweet little sister's innocence.

"Anyway, it's a bloody community of pervs in here. But a good-looking perv only comes along so often, so I'd say, go for it," Lenalee said decisively.

"Lenalee," Allen said wearily. "There is not a doubt in my mind that you either have some degree of head trauma, or have snuck into your brother's stash of illegal drugs. But let me just state a few plain, hard facts: one, I plan to lose my virginity after marriage, if or when that will happen. Two, I will lose it a member of the opposite sex. And three, he is not good-looking. He looks like a freaking girl."

"And you don't?"

"Lenalee, that wasn't-"

"And you're _straight? _Okay, I am confused. Why didn't you ask me out, then?"

"You," Allen groaned, while starting to walk away, "are suffering from an inflated ego."

"Love you too, my little homo- er-metrosexual pal!"

_-Staff Lounge-_

"Damn."

"Do you think you could say something else besides damn?"

"Hot damn."

Kanda jabbed at the buttons on the coffee machine with considerably more force than required. Screw the no-violence rule…

"How'd you get a student to hook up with you? In-" Lavi checked his watch-"a matter of forty-five minutes? Half an hour in the class, fifteen minutes in Komui's office..."

"I. Am. Not. Hooking up with. A student."

"Er, correct if I'm wrong, but you told him you'd teach him all he needs to know about sex ed. What is that, if not an invitation to hook up?"

"How the hell did you find out about that, anyway?"

"I asked Komui how you were doing so far. Got more than I bargained for."

Kanda stabbed at the buttons much, much harder. Even though he'd already made his coffee.

"Let me explain _yet _again. If he shows up in the bathroom, I can just drag him off to the psychopath's office and get him kicked out. If he doesn't…" Kanda's eyes flashed. "Then I'll have to find another way to get his ass expelled, won't I?"

"Yeah, yeah, you do realize that for your incredibly hare-brained scheme to go to plan, you're still going to have to hook up with that Beansprout guy, right?"

"What?"

"Why do they call it _hare _-brained, anyway? I'm sure rabbits have the same IQ. Maybe higher, but still. Note to self: Look it up. Anyway, what do you want to kick his ass out for? He has the nicest damn ass I've ever seen-besides mine, of course…"

"Stupid rabbit, I don't fucking care if you're turning gay for a beansprout. And rabbits have a _way _lower IQ. You of all people should know. What do you mean; I have to hook up with him?"

"Well," Lavi said thoughtfully, "actually, if you did hook up with him, _you_ would have a much better chance of getting fired. There's a law about sex with a minor or something. And I don't think they could expel a student on the grounds of _intending _to have underage sex in school, but not actually _doing _it. Gosh, Yu, you're not very bright, are you?"

Kanda threw his freshly made-i.e., boiling hot- coffee at Lavi.

_-In class, last period-_

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Lenalee

_So are you going or not?_

**NEW MESSAGE FROM:** Allen

_No._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM:** Lenalee

_Oh, come __**on.**_

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Allen

_I couldn't even if I wanted to._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Lenalee

_Oh? And why not?_

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Allen

_As it happened, he didn't tell me which bathroom to meet him at._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Lenalee

_So ask him. That's what the staff intercom is for._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Allen

_You're cracked. Like brother, like sister._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Lenalee

_Prude._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Allen

_Shut up before we get caught talking. I'm in Science with Reever. He looks pretty frazzled._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Lenalee

_We're not actually talking._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Lenalee

_Helloooooo?_

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Lenalee

_Oh, come on, my flamboyantly metrosexual, prudish little pal. Don't get annoyed._

**NEW MESSAGE FROM**: Allen

_Oh, did you think I was? I can't imagine why._

-End of Chapter One.-

**I know, I know, abrupt ending. Writer's block sucks.**

**Reviews would be very much appreciated.**


	2. Attempt to Get Allen Expelled

**So I was reading through the first ****chapter. And I was like OH EM GEE, so many typos…Please know that all mistakes are typos. I like to think I have a pretty good command of English. That is what I like to think.**

**Warning: far-fetched, cracky plot ahead.**

–**X–**

"Ask me about the _awesome _idea I came up with yesterday," Lavi said, barging into Kanda's room without knocking. As Usual.

Kanda did not respond. As Usual.

Three cheers for normalcy.

"So anyway I was just watching those schoolgirls doing laps," Lavi continued, "and as they moved their taut little bodies up and down the field, a little voice in my head went: Lavi, why should you be the only person watching this exhibition of perfect womanly proportions? It would be much too selfish of you to keep these lovely sights to yourself. Then _my _voicewent…" Here Lavi grinned and pointed a finger pistol at Kanda. "Go into the pimpin' biz!"

Kanda just stared at him. For once he couldn't think of any remotely cutting remark to make-because out of all the imbecilic schemes Lavi had formulated, this was, by far, the most harebrained.

Make that rabbit-brained. And Kanda was counting the whole sex-education-teacher screwup on that one.

"I can see you're _dumbfounded _by the sheer brilliance of my enterprise," Lavi said, waving a hand. "Really, Yu, no compliments needed. I'm going back to school to interview potential candidates later. But enough about me. So what happened with your cute little white-haired sexy-loli-shota-beast-schoolboy?"

Kanda made a noise that sounded vaguely like a grunt. Actually, he hadn't quite decided what to do with that bean sprout. There was no way in hell–or heaven, for that matter –that he was going to hook up with another guy.

In the seven years they'd known each other, the stupid rabbit had managed to call him every variation of "you're stuck in the closet but you don't know it" there was. And Kanda had managed to call Lavi every variation of "idiotic pain in the ass" there was, but that was not the point. The point was, he was _not _going to prove that IQ-challenged rabbit right.

But then how else would he get Walker expelled? Every single teacher he'd talked to thought that Allen was a model student. Respectful, intelligent, diligent, _blah._

Like he gave a flying fuck. He _didn't like _the boy, and when Kanda didn't like someone, they ended up in hospital.

Unfortunately, it seemed quite impossible to cause any kind of physical harm to the boy without losing his job. And as much as he was disgusted by his job, he had to keep it. The idiot rabbit could _never _pay his share of the rent-what money he earned from his very odd odd jobs was always spent on "tributes to the female anatomy," or porno magazines, if you prefer.

Kanda would have kicked him out long ago if it weren't for the fact that he _sucked _at housework of any kind. So Lavi did the cleaning, Kanda paid the rent, and the rest of the cash went to feeding themselves.

But anyway. How to get the brat expelled?

Theft? Komui had a fingerprinting kit. Besides, there was an unwritten finders-keepers-losers-boo-freaking-hoo rule at Black Order High.

Damage to school property? _Please._ There wasn't an inch of Black Order High that hadn't already been covered with graffiti.

Lavi was not exactly helping his thought process. He was talking endlessly about his stupid idea to turn the gym into the Playboy Mansion after school hours, while lighting a cigarette. Kanda glared at the tiny spark of flame at the end of the joint, picturing himself putting it out in the rabbit's eye.

He was halfway across the room, about to do just that, when inspiration struck him.

Sparks. Flame. The Science lab was a breeding ground for fires, what with the combustible chemicals and gas taps and whatnot. Plus he'd heard from Reever that Allen had gotten a detention that day for texting in class-he'd be washing the glass apparatus, supervised by a trainee teacher.

Kanda smirked.

The bean sprout would be out of Black Order High and back where he came from by the next morning.

–X –

Allen turned on the tap, muttering a string of British swear words that make absolutely no sense if you're not British yourself. He loved Lenalee like he would a sister, he honestly did. But sometimes-well, sometimes she could be…

Very much of an inconvenience. For example, she had refused to stop bloody texting him when he told her to.

And that had resulted in him getting a detention with Johnny Gil, a new teacher. He was nice enough, but unfortunately seemed to enjoy playing the dedicated teacher very much. So Allen had been listening to this concentrate-on-your-studies spiel for about half an hour now, while washing glass beakers and trying hard not to break them.

A totally ideal way to spend a Friday afternoon.

Lenalee, naturally, had managed to get out of a punishment. That girl could have talked her way out of Alcatraz if the occasion called for it.

Allen wouldn't have minded staying back for about two hours or so, normally. His uncle was not an ideal guardian, although he apparently was a scientist of some sort. He'd have spent his afternoon around much freakier-looking chemicals and experiments at home than at school, anyway.

But after that incident with Mr. Kanda Yu in the hallway…

Well, all Allen knew was, he would be much safer around weird-looking experiments than at school, where, who knows, he might have lost his virginity to a _teacher._

Insert the shudders.

So there Allen was, thinking all this, just as _he_ strode into the lab.

"Gil, Komui wants you in his office. He said I could–" There was ice in Kanda's glare. "Take over."

Allen nearly dropped a rack of test tubes.

Thanks a _lot_, Lenalee.

–X–

Lenalee twitched.

"Something wrong?" one of the girls sitting next to her asked.

She shook her head. "Nah. Just got one of those, you know, feelings."

The girl just looked at her.

"You know–that feeling you get when someone, somewhere is badmouthing you."

"Ah. We all get those once in a while."

"Ladies, can I have your attention please!" Lavi announced from the front of an empty classroom, where he and about thirty other girls were congregated. "All right, I think you all know why you're here."

The girls–most of whom were scantily dressed and heavily made-up–nodded.

"Yeah, you're here to be interviewed for a membership in the new club I'm setting up," Lavi said, with one of his smirks. "Officially we're the Social Club. Our mission is to –" he looked at a piece of paper– "foster bonds between fellow students and teachers."

A girl muttered, "Yeah, we're fostering bonds all right." A general titter went around the room.

Lavi smiled. "Not necessarily in _that _sense. All you ladies have to do is go out with our clients, tell a dirty joke or two, make them feel like they're, you know, not desperate perverts. _All _of you will come back as pure as the virgin snow."

He took another look at the girls who'd come to be interviewed.

"Okay, well, just make sure you come back here with hickeys and nothing more. It's a sense of principle, you know, me being a teacher and all."

He picked up a name list. "Follow me when your name is called. Lenalee Lee?"

There were mutters of surprise as Lenalee stood up–she was, after all, the principal's little sister. It had become something of a title. She glared in annoyance at her schoolmates; they shut up and looked at their overly bling-ed out phones instead.

"All right, Ms. Lee," Lavi said, opening the door to an adjoining classroom and sitting down on a desk. "Tell me about yourself."

Lenalee selected a chair and sat down, crossing her long, slender legs, which were very much emphasized by her black miniskirt; it contrasted strikingly with her pale skin. Lavi almost craned his neck to get a better look. Almost. Komui had an inexplicable intuition for these things.

"I'm a top student. A-grades on every test–no exceptions. I'm on the dance team, the student council, and unlike most girls in this school, I don't just think about sex, booze and partying." She smiled one of her trademark smiles, innocent and yet suggestive at the same time. "I've tried out two of the aforementioned, though, and I can't say I didn't enjoy them."

Lavi returned her smile. "Sounds like you're a good girl. Why do you want to join this club, then?"

"That's the point." She let her heavy black boots slam to the floor. "Ever since coming here, I've become known as the Principal's Little Sister, the one who gets whispered about in locker rooms if she does _anything _wrong. And also, I think you know how bloody overprotective my brother can get–what, am I supposed to remain a nun until I'm forty?" She looked away, scowling. "And everyone's always simpering at me, like they'll get some special perks out of being my friend. Like I'm the private police for the disciplinary board."

"And you obviously don't like that."

"Obviously." She offered a wry smile. "I used to bitch at them like crazy, just to see how much they could take, and you know what the most pathetic part was? They'd actually give in to me. So I kept on at it until I thought to myself, those ass-kissers aren't worth it. So I dropped the bitch extraordinaire act." She paused, embarrassed at having said more than she'd intended, and to a _teacher. _"Sorry about the language."

Lavi laughed delightedly. "God," he said, "that was seriously the first time anyone said that to me. Usually it's _me _telling my roommate that. If only to annoy him." He stood up; Lenalee did so as well.

"I think you'll be a great talent in the Social Club," he said, extending a hand. Lenalee shook it, and–because she had a feeling she would like this guy–winked.

"There, you just proved me right," Lavi laughed. "And one more thing–have you found any friends since you stopped, and I quote, 'being a bitch extraordinaire?' "

Lenalee blinked at the unexpected question. "Well, yeah, just one. Allen Walker. He's the only one who put up with me before and after the whole mess."

"Allen –? Oh," Lavi mock-groaned, shaking his head. "That guy gets all the luck."

Lenalee smiled at the compliment. It had been a while since someone flattered her without making any outright explicit comments. "Are you suggesting that you would like to be my friend, Mr. Lavi?"

"I am indeed. Just write your number down on the list–I'll be needing it for club issues, anyway."

And Lenalee did. She opened the door, rewarded him with another wink, and walked off, ignoring the gazes and whispers of "Did you see that? She was totally flirting with a teacher" that were going around the classroom.

Yes, she was flirting with a teacher, and that teacher had flirted right back. And so what? He was nice, he wasn't old and decrepit like most of their other teachers, and–best of all–he was pretty hot. Lenalee already felt like she was leaving her old self behind; starting to grow up a little. It felt good.

Allen had told her that he'd got a detention for texting in class–he was supposed to be in the science lab now. She could've sworn her teacher was looking straight at her back in class, but he hadn't said anything about it. Of course. Lenalee actually felt kind of guilty for getting away with it, while Allen was punished fairly, like everybody else. But like she was going to put up her hand and announce that she was breaking a school rule.

She spun in a pirouette along the deserted hallway. Maybe she'd go and help him out. He'd be all prickly for a while, then she'd wheedle for a while, he'd smile in spite of himself, and they'd go get an ice-cream or something once they were done. Things always turned out like that.

–X–

Allen kept his eyes firmly placed on the apparatus he was washing.

Kanda just flipped another page of the car magazine he was reading. All he was doing was _sitting_ there, and somehow Allen felt like he'd been cornered. He had to hand it to the teacher, intimidation tactics that effective had to have come from years of practice.

Five minutes more to his dismissal. Miracles came in small packages.

"Hel-_lo_!" Lenalee sang, sailing through the door. "How's my little pal?"

Like he said. Miracles came in small packages.

Kanda glared at the girl. "Get out, girlie."

Lenalee smiled beatifically. "Oh, sorry. Mr. Kanda, am I right? Well, I've just come to wait for Allen. Surely there's no problem."

Kanda wanted to scream at her, _yes, there's a problem, like how the fuck can I set the damned lab on fire if you're here to wait for the bean sprout?_

But he had to settle for glaring at her. She didn't seem to notice.

Attempt to Get Allen Expelled: _Failed._

He was already imagining several grisly fates for Lavi when he said that to him later, as he surely would.

–X–

**Attempt To Write Good Ending: **_**Epic Failed.**_

**Sorreh.**


End file.
